bellezza imperfetta

Trying to survive

2005-11-04T19:47:00.000-08:00

I know i whine and complain about how my life is boring and how i never seem to get anything i ever wanted. And i also realised that all i do is complain and i never seem to be taking the next step into bettering my life... i m sick and tired of playing the helpless victim, so it's time i take the next step, change for the better... i need to set my priorities straight and make my life the life i have always imagined and dreamed of...i just dunno where to start...

i hate the drama in my family, my mum's family... there are a couple of people that are a bunch of spoilt suckers, literally suckers...they use u and then they throw u away like you are last year's fashion... i m hurt, disappointed, angered and annoyed by the accusations they have made against me... they will never see the dawn of light and will probably realise their mistake when it's too late... I am too ashamed for these people to even explain the accusation...She shd be ashamed and she shd learn from her bloody mistake, but she probably never will... anyways, i m glad that amidst this lot, there is a couple of good souls... it kinda balances out the evil in my family... well one good soul is slaving his way at tekong... i m glad i got to meet u again prasad!!! *hugs tightly* dun worry everything will be over before u know it and we will both hopefully be away from all the drama and the gossip... Despite the annoying remarks and ur weird comments... U will always be my bro, my best fren and my bitchin kaki... As for all the other idiots.... *throws hands up in the air* I GIVE UP...

Screaming for change

2005-10-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

Grab me by my nape and throw me into another world... Please do...

babble on

2005-10-19T00:47:00.000-07:00

The problem with me is that i always tend to jump to conclusions all the time... but i suppose that can't be helped cos it's an in bred thing... anyways am sitting here in office, doing nuthin except well blogging if that does count as work... i have decided that i will always, from now onwards have a positive outlook on life, No, not that i have never had it but i m just gonna be more Ms Sunshine... So prepare to be bombarded with huge grins and cheesy lines like, "Everything happens for a reason"... well for those of u read my blog and got really worried about the garbage i was writing.. forget about it... I am Indian, i m always melodramatic, i m like an Indian multiplied a million times... i m a little (maybe a lot more) dramatic than the average Indian... Talking about Indians, Deepavali is just around the corner, it's the festival i look forward to the most and least... it's quite fun in a way, establishin new relationships with ur relatives and dissin people's dressing sense, making fun of the weirdos, gossipping about the other relatives... wow...sounds fun to me... a holiday filled with gossip, fattening food and fake people (some of them are, then again i kinda can't recognise the real anymore... ) HAPPY DEEPAVALI EVERYONE!!!

I told u so...

2005-10-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

yes my frens, it's over even before it begins... i have become really good at this, i tell u... it's over even before it begun... n well i got to move on with life... Nothin good happens u know? I shd be the poster child for failed relationships, wait a minute i am... but then again is it considered a relationship even before it begins? I told myself i wasn't expecting anythin but i really, truly did... and i was worng on my part to do so... So yar, it's my fault... and yar i will probably live with it for the rest of my life...

I wanna shut myself in the darkest hole and weep till i lose my breath and choke on my tears... i need someone to tell me it's ok, i need someone to hold my hand and walk with me down this familiar lonely, dreaded path that has grew so fond of me... I can't continue... i am stopping now...

when things aren't how they seem to be

2005-10-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

it's really weird... i mean i have always thought this person was just like everyone, someone who was pretty much normal finished his secondary school education with much stupor and just moved on in life with a dead end governemnt job... i have always thought this person would be kind of stupid, i must say i have judged the poor guy wrongly, i mean beneath the humble and mundane exterior lies well, a briliant man, someone sensitive, philosophical, poetic and hurt... it scares me to think that he might be the one i was looking for all this while because he is exactly like me... and that's what is so endearing about him... So i will just have to wait and see where the journey begins and how it will end or will it end up like all my previous never begun but was doomed to fail relationships? Well i m not hoping for anything or expecting anything, just going to sit down, relax and enjoy the ride... or the show, whichever comes first...

monday madness

2005-10-10T02:28:00.000-07:00

It's a hot, sweaty sweltering day... The weather is absolutely repulsive... I am sitting here in the office working relatively hard today, cos i actually assumed there won't be much work but i was wrong... Lotsa calling up to do cos my entire team n the 7 contestants have left to india yesterday on board indian Airlines for, i would like to say a remarkable experience... while i am stuck here in a dingy office in an almost red light area... but then agian i dun think i shd complain much beocs there are other people out there who are less fortunate and worst off than me... Meeting my babes, the usuals amelia, karol n karin for dinner... And after that i am going to buy myself and my mum some very nice bedsheets, get my new specs(YES after 4 years and weird remarks, i m changing my specs, but actually the new specs looks almost the same lar) and then goign to rush home andwatch tv... Got America's Next Top model... wow... i am trying to save up money but at the same time i realise i m spending alot but i am not buying anything useful... anyways, my humble Panasonic X-66 is on the verge of death, dunno whether shd repair it or just change it but this month's financial report tells me that i have absolutely not much to play with and with deepavali around the corner it means more spending...Dammit... i hate the idea of giving hongbaos to all the dumb spoilt brats that some of my relatives have... this year for all those kids i dun like, i m going to switch their hong baos with maggot filled yellow casings... har... now let's see what u can do about that... i need to go shopping and update my wardrobe which currently looks like a warzone... and even the clothes in it look like they came from the world war 2 era... All's fine, not much to write about actually... i m just looking out for more legal ways to earn more money... my face feels like an oil field... and the silence in the office is deafening... but yet soothing in a way... I think i can get used to this...

Humming you are beautiful - James Blunt, and reason - Hoobastank

i want an ipod (I do know it's kinda overrated) but i can't afford it so as loser as this might sound, i hum the song i like in my head during my train rides or bus rides.... and sometimes i take it too far and forget i m in a public place and hum a note really loudly... although this does bring embarrassment, i find it amusing how people act normal and think i m weird... I KNOW that there are a group of hummers out there, SO hummers of the world unite!!!!

2005-09-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

okie... well nuthin much going on... can't wait to leave the country and start anew... life is pretty much the same, oh and i have become more loser than ever... i really wanna go watch the tamil version of american idol... but the tickets are all sold out... sigh... if i had not been high nad mighty in the beginning... all my fault... i really wanna watch vasantham star... sigh... anyway, i am thinking of packing my bags and going on a solo holiday by myself.... i m tired of asking everyone to join me when everyone prettty much has their own lives and their boyfrens dun wanna let them go... i am such a friendly person (i wd like to think so, and ravi tells me i can even have a conversation with a rock) so i m bound to make good frens, hopefully hot sexy frens that will be more than frens... no i m not desperate and not kinky, just bored... need something exciting in my life... Give me excitement of some kind... i dun even mind rollercoasters or being held hostage... just some kind of exciting experience... but i really dun wanan get killed in the process, so maybe the hostage situation is out... anyways, houston we have a problem, a boring problem...

babbling the blehs of life

2005-09-14T20:12:00.000-07:00

I despise change and yet i yearn for it... I am a complicated creature of habit that tries very hard to change her outlook on life... mundane life is boring me... nothing much to do except go to work and then return home... even my thoughts these days are boring, nothing remotely interesting... i am tryin to be a little different but i think i am immune to the acute boredom i am experiencing... i read other peoples' blogs and they all seem so wildly interesting, most of them have got great jobs, great relationships, mind blowing talents and here i am with nothing except for well the clothes i am wearing (i dun want to send out the wrong message to the perverts out there) i mean, look at me (ok technically u can't, just a figure of speech) i work in a dodgy area of serangoon road in a production house where i think i m the only one without the indian accent... looking forward to a holiday but can't seem to find anyone who is willing to be dragged along with me... well, if anyone is interested in keeping me company, do give me a call... i think it's time i break the rules a litlle, just a little, hahah.... i mean i have been the goody two shoes all my life... so yar it's time for me to change but that definitely doesnt mean i will start smoking or get drunk... ok i dun actually think i will be breaking the rules maybe slightly adjusting to it...i will probably start gossiping or something... God, i am boring... Well i cant wait to study, i just absolutely LOATHE, HATE, DESPISE the idea of working. I want to study a little bit more, get my degree, and then get an arranged marriage (cos i dun think i can get a man by myself) and be a housewife who occasionally has affairs with a really hot gardener, provided i do have a gardener... now if i dont have a gardener, then it's gonna be the fedex guy... (all u lucky bastards) cos i have a feeeling i were to have an arranged marriage, the guy is probably gay... oh my god, i am back that warped sense of wildly interesting thoughts of mine are back... ok i am not that boring anymore... i will survive... i think a part of me writes my blog for that 15 sec of fame ritual... although it scares me that people are allowed to be a part of my life for that moment, it also makes me feel mildly popular that people actually take the time to read my nonsensical nonsense... i think although some of us say we write it for our personal satisfaction or whatever other bullshit we say its for, we are all probably trying to invite curious onlookers into our life so we can fill up that void... and maybe some of us just want to keep in touch with our frens... Whatever the reason may be, good luck to all my fellow bloggers and well remember to keep ur racist comments to urself and your group of frens... Big Brother is watching i tell u...HE knows our every move...EVERY MOVE...

home again

2005-09-08T01:45:00.000-07:00

it's been monthe since i actually updated my blog... i think there are too many sad things that have happened for me to actually write it down... don't really wanna burden anyone else... anyway i went on my first date, nuthin happened and well he didnt call me back... which is pretty depressing... i switched jobs...the asshole of a boss has not paid me yet and i well m still living life day to day... going to me my babes tommorrow over a nice steaming bowl of teo chew porridge... that's always comforting... i m looking for another job which would give me a sort of, well, personal satisfaction... and yes i don't believe in love, dates or marriage anymore... at least i would like t think i do... that's all there is to it... my cousin and my best fren and my sometimes annoying idiot, Mr prasad is spending his vacation and two miserable years of his life in tekong.... the poor thing... i am so gonna miss him and his bitchiness... on the lovefront, nothing is happening... only that i have come up to the conclusion taht men who like me turn out to be bastards...Y god y? oh celia and mel, hope u guys are doin well.. i miss you both... cant wait till i leave this god forsaken country... i mean i will miss the food, my family and my frens... and that's about it...

humphrey???

2005-06-23T02:12:00.000-07:00

humphrey.. cool name... i dunno know a humphrey... so i have absolutely no idea how he wd look like... so if ur name is humphrey, drop me a line yar? well, it's just random thoughts on a sweltering hot day... Just came back from meeting an Otar Otar Boss who wants us to do a TV Commercial... cool, he said he wd let me sample his otar on the day of our shoot... i am so looking forward to taht... Life has been pretty routine, I am looking forward to something jumping out and giving me a huge surprise... need something to spice up my life... (scratching head and tappin the table with my fuschia pen) i like my fuschia pen... anyways, am very scattered these days as u can probably figure out... i really need to lose weight, i m starting to resemble a sunburnt hippo(attributes sunburnt to tioman trip).... and i want another job so i can earn cash that i can save for my aussie education... and i want a creative zen n a pair of jeans from levis... Speaking of Levis, i cant fit into a pair of levis jeans... those annoying little twats are size-ists i tell you... they dun have my size!!!how annoying, i know i am fat, so stop rubbing it in, bloody asses...

Dunno what to do...lalalal...

Listening to Jamiroquai's Lovefool

I think jamiroquai looks hot without his weird hats... actually i dun mind him with the hats either... my wish and shopping list is getting longer and longer... and i am as broke as ever...

Chocolate covered mountains with whipped cream
and tasty morsels of strawberry flavoured bushes

the truth

2005-06-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

Wake up... it's never going to happen... Succumb urself to fate... U know it as much as they do.. guess why?cos everyone's pretending, all of them... they say that the world's a stage for a reason... everyone's acting and u r but a mere jester... they won't tell it to u until it's over... they play incredible games with your feelings and tell u it's ur fault when u try to defend urself... they know... and so do u... what's the use of being real when u know that everyone else is faking it? There's only one way out and you know it, but u're too afraid aren't you? think of it this way, u are going to be gone one day... why not make the trip to the netherworld a little earlier? But u're a coward, at least its a good enough reason to be cowardly...

dreams

2005-06-21T03:01:00.000-07:00

I am dreaming of pink elephants and cotton candied clouds
Shrubs of blueberries and lemon flavoured rain
Chocolate coated twisters and painless love
Winding roads of licorice and meringue mountains
Strawberry and cream streams and lakes with a twist of lime
Purple hippos and praline skies
Children playing and no traces of a bleak future
An abundance of laughter and the extinction of tears
Deafening silence and quiet chaos
Hopeless love...

babbling brooks

2005-06-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

it's been ages since i updated... somehow i don't see the necessity of me writing, which is quite sad as writing always had been a sort of escapism for me... life is ok, a little bit more pleasant then before... just came back from a holiday wif my best fren and her family... we went to tioman and i loved every minute of the sun, sand and the sea... it was a tranquil paradise in the middle of the garden of eden... it really was beautiful... anyways bck to reality and the mundane, undeserving life i have... i got into UWA... i wanted to badly, but i still havent gotten my package and the official letter by post, so i am quite paranoid by that... yes, i mean after all i m 'kanchiong' durga for a reason rite? i need to save lots and lots of mr yusof ishaks now to pay for my school fees and stuff... so if anyone got work lubangs, please please please call me... and i will treat you to a cheap and delicious meal... nuthing to do in office today, except listen to Power 98 blaring from the pantry... and dumb bitch walking to and fro with her stripper heels trying to get my attention... i think she is jealous of me, ya she must be... i look better than her and i am more intelligent than her... that shd be it... she looks like a cross between a pig and a puffer fish.... and i am hot, sexy indian girl.... it's a wonder what typing ur own blog can do to your self esteem... it has shaped mine from the mere nothingness it used to be... life is cool... i have finally learnt to accept life for what it is... pain, prejudice and bitches are things that always come your way but they never last for long... they disappear as fast as they appear... occasionally coming to haunt you and remind u of the morbid past, but the past cant hurt you rite?

life itself...

2005-06-03T02:31:00.000-07:00

The hardest thing to do is to pretend to work... working is easy but acting like you are doing something meaningful is quite the challenge... i like acting, it's cool... and i have always thought of myself as an actress... i think i act pretty well, so i am thinking of expanding my career or the lack of it... so film students who need an aspiring, good natured actress, do drop me a line... i am sitting in the office waitin for kanaga to gimme a call so i can have dinner with her in tekka... and my colleague nur, she's more like a good fren is enquiring about the readership on my blog... she wants me to advertise her...

UNPAID ADVERTISMENT
ok fine, here goes, NUR is an attractive malay girl who is looking for a good looking single guy(pref malay or turk) She's never had a boyfren and she is the sweetest thing u will ever meet (besides me of course, i need a little advertising of my own too)

Moving on to my life, had a huge fight with office bitch... she is really dumb and she tried to sabotage me... i had a meeting with an advertising agency and left the office to go for my meeting all alone in the sweltering sun... i-am-so-stupid-and-ugly-that-i-look-like-a-pufferfish-that-cannot-deflate did not inform me that the meeting was cancelled. so i was on my way and i knew i was going to be late so i quickly called to inform my boss so taht he will inform the people there and my colleague calls me back a while later and tells me that teh meeting is cancelled... I was so MAD that i took the train n half ran and half walked back to the office... my mum was on the phone trying to calm me down but i was so angry i was spewing hokkien vulgarities(i think i turned on a couple of ah bengs) and scared away potential suitors... as i stormed into the office , everyone just stood there gawking at a panting me... i took a gulp of water and then went off to confront the bitch... and she just stood there smug... i insulted her, called her a dog and stupid repeatedly... i have exhausted my usage of the word stupid for the rest of my life... Wanted to insult her intellectually and i did achieve that... my boss told me to calm down but i was so angry i just walked off... and i later found out oh-poor-me-pufferfish-i-am-not-going-to-apologise (oh yeah she got some contagious disease) anyway, i still think she is a freaking asshole... Well, YOU CAN KISS MY ASS B****(self censorship is rather important since there might be kids who blog hop and stumble upon mine)

Keng and Ravi are in army... good luck to the boys, gave them lotsa advice on showering and how to prevent bathing products slippage... i m gonna miss them... jinfey is going to meet her long lost ancestors on sunday, she's going to china... some rural area to show them devdas... (i duid'nt know she was pro indian) dun think the people can appreciate it either... how can u appreciate movies when u dun even have proper drinking water? i for one wd be really angsty and miserable about it if some teenagers from a well developed country who have everything came to teach me about film appreciation... well i wish her all the best and i am gonna miss her craziness as well.. she's kinda my partner in crime... we do the stupidest things all the time... actually i do crazy things always...

My frens...

2005-05-31T22:56:00.000-07:00

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Sashi is your soulmate.

You truly love Karol.

You consider Amelia your true friend.

You know that Kanaga is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Jin Fey for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Sashi is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Celia is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Ravi is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Ravi changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Prasad is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Prasad has a hidden internet romance.

What Do You Think of Your Friends?

is it time yet?

2005-05-25T01:50:00.000-07:00

i am sittin in the office watching the clock like a cat... boredom my recurring disease is at its advanced stages now... and i am just waiting for it to turn 6 so i can rush out of the office climb onto the crowded 147 bus where hordes of foreign workers stare at me and undress me in their heads.. and i go thru this madness so i can reach home in time to have a quick shower and settle down in front of my TV(my best fren) to watch CSI... yes i am loser... hear me roar

banter on

2005-05-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since i wrote and i owe it to my computer that refuses to turn itself on...(k that might sound sick but technically speaking) i came back to work after two weeks of unproductive boredom and tv therapy with a splash of bingeing(is it with or without the e?) and not to mention the spnding of my entire pay... so now i am back to the mundane routine life taht i will probably have to live thru for the rest of my life...

we ahd a post mother's day celebration at my aunt's hse and what started of as a usual loud exchange of ideas turned to let's criticise durga's ambition... and tell her she is not getting anywhere with a mass comm diploma... dun call me shallow becos i wanna be a housewife, that's a noble profession... the conversation than suddenly turned to, " U said u wanted to get married rite? well it's kinda not possible cos well u dun have a boyfren..." and suddenly the entire family just gasped at me at horror, probably having a revelation that i might be lesbian... it was at that moment that i heard the sad lonely violinists playing a monotonous tune (and the theme music of jaws, dun ask me why) to the sad confusion my extended family was in... and as they gave each other uncomfortable looks, and tried so ahrd to change the subject, i reassured them i was not what they thought i was... after that statement was made everyone started to breathe... and then the entire family was on my neck trying to make me a slave of the govt... including my mum, they all wanted me to join the army, the police, the navy and even the parliament... i swear i think my entire extended family is so pro govt taht i think it's just too weird... they are probably working for the govt and their only mission in life is to make every other family member join the force...

Invisible

2005-05-06T22:28:00.000-07:00

i wish i cd just disappear into oblivion... wait, i already have... i am not going on a holiday cos everyone is busy with their lives, boyfrens and work... which makes me realise that i have non of the above... sad, yes.... depressing, yes... but most of all i feel lonely and vulnerable... i just wish that, well i dun have anymore wishes... sick and tired of that too... my trip has been cancelled and well i have one entire week to bum at home... unfortunately, that doesn't sound enticing to me anymore... i just feel like retiring into the depths of my depressed soul and wait until someone is ready to be my fren... someohow crying doesnt help these days, and i have given up on that too... it's annoyingly annoying how i am so helpless without the people i trust beside me... and maybe i am too loyal, too nice to people... it's ok... i will probably get over it or live with it like how i have lived with for the past decade... it's a slow and painful process of betrayal, pain and neglect... something i am accustomed to... it's like my default feelings... i am not trying to be humourous, maybe it wont be a bad thing to suddenly die of an unknown disease... i mean i know besides my parents there won't be anyone else to mourn... everyone willbe too busy with their own lives...

"so what if a life is lost? she was just a fren anyway... nuthin more... she treated us more than that but that was her fault... we didn't ask her to, rite?" they will all say... they will all say...

So allow me to slip away from your lives and mine... i don't wish to stay somewhere i am not needed... don't mind me while i walk around aimlessly trying not to bother you & your 'Personal lives'... I apologise if i have...

Dunkin' Durga

2005-05-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

the things i put myself thru... is rather unbelievable... i went to help daryl and martin at their event for foreign workers... i saw charlene in the dunking machine and i so wanted to be there... yes i am loser... anyway the thing is i said ok partly becos charlene looked damn poor thing and i didn't think it wd be a big deal... but i was wrong among many other things... so many foreign workers decided to ogle at me and call weird names(half of the time i cdnt understand what they were saying but the guys arnd me got damn angry).. well the management got damn angry and after many dunks, me and charlene started puking cos the water was exceptionally gross... so in between pukes and chunks of carrots(courtesy of charlene)... charlene and i decided to analyse the reason why we decided to this and we realised it was a sick conspiracy that was headed by the weather... yes the weather... it was far too hot and we thought that getting dunked wd be fine but we forgot that we were among foreign workers, men who have been sexually deprived for years and their only outlet was looking at women from afar and holding hands with fellow men... and we were wet and both charlene and i are kinda voluptous... so we had the perfect recipe for disaster and hours of wanking off courtesy of those sick men... and yet again i emerged, well a fool... i suppose... that's what everyone said, but the thing is its my bloody decision and if u were so against it u cd have told me but u all stood there to watch... well the thing is, it's over and i cant be bothered about silly things like this... i am so over that phase... And well i make my own decisions... i am perfectly fine with what i did... can't help it, i am just being me...

the world wide web

2005-04-25T23:42:00.000-07:00

it's amazing what kind of information you can get on the internet... some of the information u can get is helpful and informative and some can just plain devastate you... i haven't been feeling well these couple of days, so i thought maybe i go online and check what my symptoms might relate to and realised that i might have cancer... hmmm not so good huh? well... i am going to see a doctor but i have this really bad intuition that the internet might just be right... there are some times when i am just damn bloody proud when whatever i say comes true and there are times that i just wish i wdnt forecast the bloody future or that my intuition would be so wrong... now is the time i am praying for it... i wish everything would be ok... so give me some time in your prayers... thanx...

It's Over

2005-04-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

We have finally passed everything... we are now officially diploma holders... we can move on with our lives, kind of... me at work on such a beautiful Saturday morning, and as i have emphasised and reinforced agian and again, yes i am a loser with no life... i get breaks in between my work where i get to contemplate on life once again... Everything si fine is what i would love to say but i dun think i can...

We went to collect our prize at Heeren yesterday for the IMC pitch, met Ms Paul, who insists we call her Lorraine... quite a difficult task to do... and Ziggy who my mum thinks looks like her favourite HK Actor, George Lam and as a result thinks he's cute... hmmm... No comments, but i ahve to admit that both my mum and my best fren Karol have weird taste... no offence...

Hoping to leave this country as soon as possible and hopefully having a fulfilled life one day... I wish... oh and we received 50 dollar vouchers from 77th Street and there is nuthin to buy there... they shd have just given us cash so i cd have watched a movie or something... oh and i am not goign on a holiday... cos well dun ahve anyoen to go with yes i have yet again reinforced my patheticness... oh and all the Lecturers read our blogs... even ziggy, actually especially ziggy... Hi Ziggy! and MS Paul, i mean Lorraine... i know u are reading this...

Dreaming of a holiday

2005-04-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

it's really weird these days... i mean i probably complained many times about not having someone to go on a holiday with and now... i am like begging celia to go with me but i dun think her dad will allow her... so i am back to where i started, all alone... crap lar... i hate this feeling of wanting to go somewhere but not being able to go anywhere at all.. it's like , i dunno... just bad... dunno how to explain it and dun think i can anyway... i just gave up on love, so now i guess i will give up on going for a holiday as well... i am used to giving up on things that i hold dear to me anyway... dreams, love, happiness are nuthin but a sweet dream to me.. i guess i just have to go on with my mundane life... u know wat? i think i ma really pathetic, writing about my sad sorry life day after day... and burdening those who read my blog... fuck it lar... i m not writing a blog anymore... it's bad enuff i have to go thru this and now i have it in black and white... how sad is that? screw it lar... i ma like a really bad open book.. who came up with the idea of a blog anyway? god... i hate being this cynical and sceptical adn just plain angsty.... i wish i cd just disappear from the face of the earth... i hate this feeling of incompetency and helplessness...

Lately...

2005-04-17T18:43:00.000-07:00

Depression is a common occurrence these days.(doesn't that sound vaguely familiar?) I am pretty much alone with my own morbid, depressing thoughts... and despite my constant attempt, actually feeble attempt at picking myself up with inspiring quotes, it doesnt seem to be working... so I think i will give up soon... Then again when have i not given up on anything? i think i shd try and make an effort to make myself happy cos the people around me do that all the time...So I think i shd be self sufficient... it's become ratehr awkward with my good frens or shd i say best frens these days? we can usually sit there and talk nuthing but pure, utter, nidless garbage for hours... but now we sit in front of each other and just stare and try to look away... while the other tries to make her tiny burger last with small mouthfuls so that she doesnt have to talk to me... It was awkward, very awkward(no i m not attempting a 1930s kinda film where they come and talk to the camera all the time...) i am sitting here at work and yet agian i am enlightened by the thought taht i am indeed a loser... i am so unhappening... no where to got no one to talk to and well i have nothing(whitney houston sang this song, she who has everything...dammit.. it was originally done by me but since i was a nobody, it made sense to let someone else sing it...) i wish i cd runaway from everything, move out from my old mundane life and move into a new one... isn't that appealing? i mean its really appealing to me... i just wish i had the guts and that so important monetary factor to back my guts.... i would really like taht... So Santa can i get a life this christmas? i wanna go all over the world with one trsting fren, someone who has the same ideals as me and isn't afraid to go out there and try their luck at something new... Someone who i havent met yet, someone who is preferably single, so that he or she does not have any other commitments except me...hahah..
shameless is the word yar?

Should I?

2005-04-15T00:50:00.000-07:00

Birds of a feather flock together ... it's prob true... it's weird that i am back to work now and i am not really sure this is what i want to do for the rest of my life... me and jing fay went to lunchh and we started having this profound conversation on what we intend to do with our lives... and i frankly have no clue... i mean i rather be on screen then behind it... call me shameless or watever... but maybe it's time i try to make it happen... i need ambitions don't i? i mean, don't we all? it's also weird taht my trip to keral with sashi might be cancelled cos i dunno.. sashi doesn't seem interested in it anymore, and it hurts me cos i just realised that i dun have many frens to go on trips with... i mean everyone has found that special someone, karol, amelia, sashi, kanaga... and i think i depend on this people too much and now when everyone has got their things to do... i am just here all by myself, trying to make sense of the loneliness and it's something i can't comprehend... i am not asking for a boyfren, i think i just want a girlfren who's well, singel like me... someone who i can call anytime and have someone to go out with and someone to bitch with... i mean i know they are always here but somehow, it's not the same anymore... i am a very high maintainence individual who needs undivided time from her loved ones... and somehow i dun like the fact of calling adn msging everyone in my phonebook just to find someone i can watch a movie with... i just dun like that pathetic feeling of neediness... i know i shd get over it but i think it definitely will take alot of time... and maybe i will never get over it... and i will just stay my needy self for the rest of my pathetic lonely life trying to earn as much money as i can without having anyone beside me to spend it with... and all these leads to one recurring question, where do i go from here? what is there in store for me? maybe, i will never know... i have always wanted to not look back and regret but looking back i realise my life is one big huge regret... maybe i shd have told i loved him, maybe i shd have taken nursing, naybe i shd have just gone out with him... it gets depressing when your entire past can be summarised with i shd have done this or that... i think i shd depend on myself more...well the vicious cycle begins again... i am to entangled in it to get out... well i am leaving to wallow in self pity now...

FUCK OFF, BITCH!!!

2005-04-12T00:08:00.000-07:00

Screw you bitch... screw u... i can't believe that u fuckin dun do anything and u still think people like u... u know wat? i think u r stupid, dumb and worst of all ugly... i hate your smug face and dun tell me you are gracious, u are a fucking slut and fucking bitch and you know wat? u deserve to rot in hell which is wat is going to ultimately happen to you... i hate you and i am not afraid to tell it to ur face... there are many people who think you are stupid and you know wat, i agree, u are... you are the dumbest thing that god created, and you know what i am waiting for the day i will see you leave the office... cos i know you are gonna get ur sorry munjen ass fired... bitch and anyway who spells their name differently, loser? and your bad dress sense... you look more like a 2 dollar whore.. oops sorry, i mean 2 dollars is too much for you... let's put it this way, even a fucking drunkard won't do u. and u r probably the reason why most guys are gay... and you are telling me what to do? u just wait bitch... i show u and yar i did call u bitch, bitch.... u can go screw yourself in the fucking corner while your che bai rots and falls off... you know wat?There is a god, and he will so fucking punish you... i can just feel it in my bones... and i am waiting for that day where i will stand there looking down at you and laugh at you while u touch my feet... fuck u bitch, good luck in fucking off... you fucking fake, hypocrite... may u rot in hell!!!! and i mean it... i really do...

happy alone

2005-04-04T06:39:00.000-07:00

amelia always tells me about the joys of dining alone... i didn't realise that until today... i was caught in the rain, damn pissed and on my way to work so i decided to stop by the ancient anadhabhavan... and as i blew and sipped slowly on the scalding tea and used my fingers to eat the hot, spicy and crispy thosai... life suddenly came to a standstill and everything seemed ok.... somehow the place has this calming effect on me, listening to the old ceiling fans slaving away is rather therapeutic but don't trust my word for it... u shd experience it for urself... so if u are ever down by there... call me and i will be glad to join u... and after the meal, walking the long way down to my office didn't seem so sad and long, and the old familiar rhythm came back into my steps... it was agood day... i mean really... it's been a long time since i had a tranquil day with no worries or bad aftertaste(s)....

And life goes on

2005-03-31T05:51:00.000-08:00

school has ended... i hope for good... just praying that i will pass all my modules... i started work once again... i need the money to finance my trip to Kerala to meet my best fren Adi... i miss her so much... i hope my boss pays me... i have been hearing horror stories about him, he better dun screw up on me cos i will be mad and if i am mad, well let me just say all hell breaks loose is an understatement... nuthin much to say except that life does go on, doesn't it? i mean we worry about the trivial stuff in llife and before we realise it there are bigger obstacles and hurdles to cross... and we try so hard to salvage the littlest moments in life and try to bring a little sunshine into our lives and others as much as possible... someone recently told me taht i would make a really good fren, i was wondering why and they told me that i was sweet, caring and honest and those were the traits that make the best frens... well who am i to judge myself? only my real frens can tell me the truth about myself... Mass comm has been fun,rite?
i mean amidst the painful deadlines, the really awkward moments we face when working with the people we absolutely despise, serious brain blocks, trivial gossip and hatred, we had fun; we laughed at the stupidest things, comforted each other when we needed it the most, teased and complimented each other, made sure we were there when someone needed a hug, advice or just someone to sit next to... we made wonderful frens and equaly wonderful enemies, it's been a year of ups and downs, pains and pleasures, love and hate and most of all the really cool thing called friendship... i for one made great frens, frens who i look up to, (definitely not for fashion sense, yes i am toking about u amelia...hahahah) i loved every moment of our wonderful antics and just u guys in your uninhibitive self, i just love u guys for being there my entire lonely path, karol and amelia... i loved sharing with u archanaa,i love bitching with u jon,faz, i love toking to u ahmah and nad, i loved our bus rides home, ravi, i loved the laughing hours with u celia, i loved just being with you mel and prasad, i loved every one of u guys with all my heart and i will cherish every moment adn every minute i spent with u cos i might not be able to do that again... so love you...

remembering the pain

2005-03-23T22:36:00.000-08:00

i found my old blog and was reading thru some of the entries i had written and i discovered weird things about me. i had written in one entry that life is too short and that if we loved someone we shd go out and tell them that we do...(i hear the numerous people protesting and telling "ya rite") it's weird how we are so susceptible to giving good advice when someone else needs it but when it comes to us, we don't act on the same good advice that we had dispersed. it's kinda sad but i think that is human... it's human to make mistakes and it's human to correct others but not ourselves... i am kinda in a daze right now... not sure what i am thinking... but it was a great comfort to hear karol and amelia on the phone yesterday, karol and i like spoke for 3 freaking hours... amelia and i spoke for a little less than that, around 2 and a half... it's really comforting to have someone tok to u when u're at the foot of hell lookin up at heaven and wishing u were there instead...

It's been a weird week (i am not sure why the word weird is commonly used in my entries n i apologise for it, will try to look at the thesauras the next time) i wanna watch a movie but apparently everyone's busy and i really dun have anything else to do... and i am not on talking terms with sashi(my sashi, but apparently not mine anymore) you know wat? i am fucking pissed with the fact taht she does not fucking believe me and chose to believe taht fucking boyfren of hers... for fuck's sake if i were to make fun of that fucker i wd tell u sashi, i wd... but i didn't and i dun see why it was an issue in the first place... and u know wat i hope u are reading this, cos at least u will know... and u know what i think that fucker has broken us up and u know wat? i am so angry taht i who intro-ed u to him in the first place am left in the ditch... u know wat forget it, just forget it... if u are willing to leave 8 fucking years of friendship behind for that thing... then go ahead... all the best! but somehow i dun have a good feeling about him, i knwo it's sudden but u know wat? i am always right(i am not being a bitch or anything, it's just true)... so u mark my words and i will print out and frame this entry just to prove u... that fucker is up to no good... i am telling u... if u think i am jealous, think again... and one more thing... i am so mad because i fucking miss u idiot... i miss you so much and it's been hard these couple of days... and i always find solace and comfort in you and with u out of the picture i really am at a loss of what to do... i am lost, emotionally, physically, mentally... and i wish u wd get ur head back... oh and i need to return u the camera...

Forget him, forget him not

2005-03-22T23:16:00.000-08:00

Broken

i am fighting back the tears
i've held on to for years

and somehow putting up a fight,
does not seem right.

and it's all over before it even began
and i wish i could start it all over again.

I didn't mean for it to rhyme, but i guess when you are broken hearted, anything can happen? To all my wonderful frens, i hope the poem tells it all... it's over i have forgotten him and well i will be lying if i said i have forgotten him but i am trying to...and one day i will get over him and maybe i won't... but i think my head is clearer now... a new perspective has been formed and i wish to live by it... i know it's going to hurt for some time but i am sure i am strong enough to handle it... a new place and a new experience will make it all better... so i hope i save enough to leave to Australia... i am not blaming anyone and i dun want anyone hating anyone k? hahah... i damn drama... well, i can't help it... i am INDIAN... heheh... i am super duper fine... cya babes soon... i cant wait to get over with everything.... love all the people who have been behind my-bound-to-fail-love-relationship-that-has-been-going-on-for-years-and-that-i-ruined-myself-by-not-telling,-so-no-one-else-to-blame-but-me-myself-and-I-the entire-time-I-tried-to-kid-myself-into-thinking-it-might-work-but-it-never-did-and-it-never-will-so-i-have-to-deal-with-it-by-myself love life... so thanx for reading..

blah..bleh..blah

2005-03-20T20:42:00.000-08:00

i am sitting here cross legged staring blankly into my computer... i realised that i shd come clean with my untold love story but then again, i don't want to affect anyone who, well is already in the love story... i dun wanna be the villain or the third party, the bitch who everyone hates and no one loves... i have lived pretty much all of my life that way and it's a miserable and painful experience...

i have too many things on my mind and yet the secrets are for me to keep and for no one else to bear... i think i think too much but with impending problems such as not being able to take the exam bcos i havent paid my school fees, i dunno know wat else to do but worry... i have an empty life and an even emptier bank balance... and somehow, the past is trying to catch up with me... and i think an education in Austrailia is a distant hope, not a dream but a hope... was just talking to archanaa online and well, i think we are going to meet and talk about teh changes in our lives after med law exams... if i take that is... which i hope to... Life has been pretty hard on me and then again it always has... will u cut me some slack, life? please, just a little? i think the inevitable trouble i face might be one reason i never had a relationship but then again i think the only reason why i dun have a realtionship is because of him... or maybe i am convincing myself into believing it's only him... i hope he is happy wherever he is and with whoever he is... (i know this sounds like every other tamil movie and bollywood flick anyone has watched but i really dunno know how else to explain my love) i mean i love him, or at least i think i do but whatever it is if u love someone dun u think it's better to let the person live the way he wants to? maybe someday i will find someone who loves me as much as i loved him once... and maybe not... maybe i will succumb to loneliness and live in my 3 rm aptment with my 57 cats with occassional visits from amelia and karol n their bratty kids... but i will be otherwise happy... i think (you see i told u i think to much)

love hurts...actually it kills... me

2005-03-19T05:04:00.000-08:00

As cliched(and mat rock) as the title might sound, i think it's true.... it does, doesn't it? well everything is over except med law... the last tv jrn class was scary or as a certain someone wd say, "sketchy shit, man"... my bloody package was horrible, but i was doing it alone and i have no editing skills whatsoever... nearly got an f for it... but ms leng was really nice about it...and i changed it and it seemed ok and was allowed for telecast, thank god... imc is over... hopefully we don't win the pitch or it will mean more work... photo jrn is also over...

the last week was kinda traumatizing for me, i cried on wed, thur and fri... wat a good end to an otherwise crazy three years? i just hope and pray that i pass every single thing there is to pass... good news is that my wonderful frens, karol and amelia are happy... (i hope u guys know what i mean)they have both found their eh-eh-eh's, so that's a good thing... on the down side, i am still single... maybe not lar... it can't be that bad rite? We went to hype party and somehow everyone has a boyfren or galfren to hold on to.... i was holding on to myself(i wasn't literally touching myself, to all those sick people out there) i felt kinda down and i hung out with mel and luke and kenny... they were super nice... i think mel's frens were feeling as left out as me... so we hung out, i had my free vodka sprite...and by the time i knew it,it was all over... so i went home and as i snuggled in my bed, i decided to share my grief with my comforting pillows by shedding a few unnecessary tears which felt that they were much needed in that situation... somehow, maybe i am not destined for him, and maybe he's not for me either... so i will get over him... one day or maybe in my next life, i suppose... actually i hope...

My best fren and i are not talking anymore... this is sad... i miss her but i don't think she does... it's sad that people leave their friends behind just because of a relationship with a boy... but it happens and i have accepted it... maybe it's meant to be...just like the other things in my life...

Of ixora and children

2005-02-27T00:16:00.000-08:00

i didn't have anything interesting to write about until today... followed prasad to take photos at bishan park and unfortunately there are not many kids loitering around parks at midday these days... so i made fun of prasad and his nature shots and did cameos on many of his shots and he did on mine as well.. we were desperate cos we were there for hours... and so we continued wandering around bishan park like wannabe papparazzis under the mid afternoon sun... we then reached a pond and i spotted this little chinese girl jumping around like a monkey... so i thought yay, there's one little girl... so i took photos of her, she saw me and then she started walking away so i followed her (i would like to assure people at this point that i am not a paedophile) and proceed to take more photos... after that i left n was sitting by the pond taking photos of this little boy who was just adorable, and he was catching fish... and i turn around and see the little chinese girl walking towards me with her mother or i thought... and the mum(or grandmother) was like i am sorry but did u take photos of her? and i was like yeah but its for a photo project and pretty much explained to her the entire agenda... and the lady was very nice about it but the little girl was "see i told u she is going to put all of it in the papers now"... she was annoying the hell outta me ... and so after that the girl wanted to stay beside me but her mum insisted that they leave... so the girl was forced to leave but she returned back moments later with her hands behind her back... and she said "vishali, i have a little present for u." and she gave me an ixora... just one... i was kinda speechless, i looked up and i saw the sincerity in her face and the love and the innocence and the truth of a smile... And u know what that is one of my happiest moments in my life... that little girl made my day... Wayne was right, i needed to do this badly... one thing i realised was that kids were real, and whatever they give u even if its a handful of dirt, they mean well and it's from the heart... that was a treasured moment for me...i will always cherish it...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2005-02-19T22:26:00.000-08:00

i am 20... i am supposed to be a more matured an independent individual... Individual, ya i still am the rest i don't think so... i was really depressed on my bday... but i guess i am really lucky cos i have really great friends to cheer me up when i am down... sashi "surprised" me with a cake and the rest of the gang gave me really nice presents... i know i seemed unhappy which i was but the thing is i really didn't feel like hiding my emotions that day... and i apologise for my bad behaviour... but i enjoyed it in the end and i promise i will come up with something special on each of ur birthday, whether it's a surprise or not... Love you all... we went to the fun faoir at woodlands where i was like a kid in a candy shop and i was trying to do all my rides.. i finally met my match and threw up at the end of one of the rides... but i swear i have not admitted defeat i will still put myself through torture and painful fear for the adrenalin rush... i know it sounds dumb, but its kinda the only excitement i have in my life... anyway i wanna thank amelia, karol, sashi, nan, reka and everyone else...but especially those mentioned cos u guys have always been there for me... even though u vent ur frustrations on me and make fun of me, i know u do it because u guys love me, so i love you too... and i will return ur love in more ways than one... i really appreciate it, cos i get really senseless and annoying and mean sometimes and i just need one person to tell me its ok to be that way and u all have done that for me almost always... so now find me a good looking boyfren whose really rich and not yet hitched... and i shall buy u whatever your heart and my heart pleases... now does that sound good or what?

The festivities...

2005-02-12T04:29:00.000-08:00

CNY was kinda fun, as usual went to jon's hse, sean's house and karol's... we were really well behaved in sean's hse though but all hell broke loose when we raeched karol's hse...

Yesterday, i was rather depressed and kinda lonely(i hear some of u going "so what's new?")... i went with my pri school or otherwise commonly known as my best fren to town to get her boyfren a present... i know they are probably going to deny that things are different but i swear they are, we used to be able to joke for hours on the phone and when we meet... but now we rarely have things to talk about... the both of us sat in front of each other with practically nothing to say... and on the bus ride to far east, we chose the company of the radio than each other's... if that's not different then i don't know the meaning of different anymore... i think we grew distant and somehow i don't seem to be able to trust her anymore... i think that's kind of sad... but i really can't change anything... after the really distant encounter, i thought i would ease the awkwardness by asking her to leave if she wants to and before she would disagree and wait with me but now she just took the advice and left me, i think she saw the distance as well... we have got nothing in common and nothing to talk about... i then wandered aimlessly in orchard before deciding to immerse myself in mindless magazines in Borders... whic proved to be soothing... i waited for amelia and we went to watch the machinist in cineleisure(we wanted to watch a very long engagement, but the bloody cinema only had tickets for the midnight show...fuck...) And we saw this guy that looked like ian wright complete with the trekking ensemble... oh, and machinist is quite bad... very slow moving film, i would not recommend it unless u have lots of hong bao money to waste... after that we walked all the way to far east so ms amelia yeo could buy rice pudding...

Today was fun... We were the elite bunch invited to amelia's sister's birthday... we frosted the yummy carrot cake with cream cheese and laughed the entire afternoon... and we all (meaning me and karol) got red roses to take home... (it was a flower themed party) my mum and i are not on talking terms... i hate the silent treatment but i feel like giving in to my pride for once so i will just hang around by myself... something i am used to... i wished i had a sister or brother to bitch with, fight with and just hang out with... but it probably will never happen... so i shd just stop wishing it... have i mentioned how i hate the month of february? valentine's day is around the corner and i realised taht i have never had a valentine in my teen years and now i am venturing into adulthood in the same position as i was... nothing has changed and nothing probably will... SCREW U FEBRUARY!!! thanks for making me as miserable, that's a cool birthday present... thanks alot... A happy 20th birthday to me...

banter on

2005-02-04T06:08:00.000-08:00

if i had voices in my head i would ask them to shut up but it's a bloody pandemonium and somehow i dun have the strength to ask it to go away... i hate the fact that i am a worry wart and i hate the fact that when i start worrying somehow all my other mistakes in my life and seem to show up and kind of mock at my state...

yesterday, was painful physically and emotionally and mentally... i never knew i could be that violent... i was literally punching myself yesterday cos the computer crashed on me three freaking times... i wanted to cry but i cd'nt, somehow ui don't have anymore tears left...

BANTER...
it pains me and hurts me for u not to be there
it drives me crazy when u are not even here
it kills me that u r nothing but a dream
a dream that i am never able to realise
it's a mistake to love u
and its agony to forget u
i am stuck in between with no place to go
and i cant even hide
cos i am hiding from myself
and i will never know u cos i never asked and never will...

i suddenly thought this was appropriate, it might not make sense to u but it makes perfect sense to me... and it's so melancholic... i have lost my profundity in life...

i am praying and hoping i will pass all my modules... i am going to say somethi ng taht might be such a contradiction to whatever i have lived for but the thing is i might just die, literally die if i failed anything... i know i said i would not kill myself over school but...

The depthless hole of pain and agony whose roots lie in the heart of melancholy has consumed me whole.

If i die and get buried, i would like this to be on my tombstone:

Durga

1985-

"Here lies someone who cared"

Let's hope the angel of death comes in the form of age, old age, won't u? i would...

i am a drink

2005-01-31T23:19:00.000-08:00

Cocktail

?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??

And on top news for this hour

2005-01-28T19:05:00.000-08:00

Apparently blogger despises me, it didn't upload my last entry and that was quite a long one... Anyway went to watch a movie the other day with keng and kj and we had a good crying session... Although the guys are still in denial... We watched Hotel Rwanda, a joyously depressing film...

On the 26th of January 2005, Durga won the first ever award she has won in Ngee Ann Polytechnic... yay!!! HURRAH!!!Me and chloe won awards for the most creative presentation... I would like to thank my mum who will let me go to cheeky monkeys now, chloe for her hard work,Mr jerome low(for helping us set up the thing), edison chen(my boyfren) for gracing our power point presentation along with tony leung(karol's boyfren), eric tsang(jen's father) and all the other hong kong people(said in a hong kong accent)...

I just had a freaky dream and when i woke up, i checked mel and found out that i am editor for tv jrn in the first week... and since there is a no exchange policy on roles, i am freaked out... god help me, won't you?

I am at ease with myself these days and i find this therapeutic as i have always nit picked at my self for the longest time... i am pretty sure that old habits die hard as cliched as that might sound but i know it will probably come back to me one day or so... on other exciting news, (i am trying to prepare myself for tv jrn) my aunts and my cousins are trying to find me boyfren... how pathetic is that? and my mum was complaining to my cousin that i am too high and mighty for the guys... She said that I always think they are stupid...Excuse me but if they were not stupid then why would I call them stupid? One doesn't know anything about African American activists except nelly who by the way is not one.... The other doesn't know who the hell is che guevara and yet they wear the t-shirt with the rebel's face on it... and they are all so boring that they put me to sleep instantly and i am pretty sure these are the people who will revolutionize medical advancement by putting people suffering from insomnia to sleep without the use of sleeping pills... And one is not even singaporean... no offence to foreigners but I would like to have a conversation in English cos my Tamil is really bad(I have evidence to back this up, trust me) and old people need not apply... I mean like 30 and above please dun even bother... I am so depressed now that my entire extended family is on the look out for a boyfren... u know how scary that is? it's bad enough that i find out i have new relatives at every corner of Singapore every other day... now all these people will be finding me a prospective bridegroom... And u know what, i have a whole lot of relatives.. we are not the tans but we sure reproduce like rabbits just like the tans...that's not a thing to be proud of let, let me add... i still have got a shit load of surveys to do... And there is so much work to do and i have a test on med law and I am trying my best to be as low profile as I can get but I think there are a lot of people who read my blog as it is... so hahah(nervous laughter) i am a nice person and i dun usually bitch about people and things that happen in school... hahah(continuous nervous laughter trying to break the invisible tension that is apparent if unauthorized people are reading this)

Listening to the sun- Maroon 5 ( I still can't get enough of this cd)

Yesterday is a memory

2005-01-22T18:47:00.000-08:00

Loneliness struck once again.

It feels like an acutely sharp pain.

Yesterday, was rather nice... sashi and i went down to coffee bean, sat down there for a couple of hours and discussed my singlehood and i realised that most of the guys who were once interested in me all say the same thing,"U deserve better". Is this some kind of really cool break up dialogue taht was invented by the ingenuity of men? Or is it really as heartfelt as i think it is and is it caused by the inferiority complexes of these guys? I think it's sweet but then again if all the guys think i deserve better then i dun think i will get anything at all...

Back to more real problems(being single isn't one of them) i am constantly broke, it's a vicious cycle of financial trouble i am going through and my fees are due next week... and i dun have a job... i am not going to be the common person in the street and ask the common question, why does it have to happen to me? I don't believe in that, i strongly believe that if it has happened to me it shouldnt happen to anyone else... but i guess i just have to carry on so that i can finally reach my destination of that one happy moment in my life that i am living for...

In school, my imc group (one of my happy things in life) is in jeopardy... i hope it does not happen but i don't see how it won't... but let's just hope for a miracle... I seriously love my imc group as irritating as keng and kj can get and as sleepy as jen can get... i mean they are all so real... thank u for being there guys, i look forward to our meetings everytime... even though i don't look forward to the workload but i think there is something special there...

Sashi was telling me yesterday that birthdays are nice thing, i beg to differ... it's jsut another painful day i have to live through...

On Friday me and ravi went to amelia's house and we lay on her really nice new couch and watched Monster on her really big-ass plasma tv... me and ravi were both drooling at her plasma tv... it was nice to be like that again(not the drooling part)... i missed those times we all used to hang out at fat butch cafe on the comfortable couch and pretend we were at "Central Perk" like in Friends... We should do it more often or i think we would forget how it good it felt to be together... After the movie, (I decided that i would act in a movie like that if angelina jolie or beyonce was going to be my lesbian lover) we went to KFC to havbe dinner and we just hung out there and goofed around and made fun of ravi...(always therapeutic) and then it was time to go back to our lives... On the bus ride, Ravi tried to give me a soundtrack for my stories(he can't sing that well) but it was fun and thank god it was late and there wasn't anyone i know on the bus...but it was really fun...

Oh and i did basic theory test on saturday morning at an ungodly hour of 8.45am... and teh bloody mat was damn rude to me... idiot... the test was ok, i think i just hope i pass it... i dun wanna go through it again... it seems to me like even a monkey can do it... i mean seriously...

Listening to Aerosmith. "I don't wanna miss a thing"

I love this song...
and now i am listening to Blame it on the weatherman by a one hit girl band B*witched...

I wonder what happened to them, i wonder what happens to all of us after this sem...

hallo Mr Problem, How do u do?

2005-01-20T07:15:00.000-08:00

I hate the fact that i have to rewrite my fucking blog entry again... and it was a fucking long one... well here it goes again... i am going to write it as short as possible.. fucking blogger...

i am afraid that wayne has found out the real me... he told me to take of my mask during photojourn consultation and he was spot on about everything... i dun want people to know me cos i am afraid of the judgements and the sympathy that will come along with it... i have hid my identity so well and now this has to happen... i can't take of teh mask cos i am very comfortable with it... and i pretend that it is protecting me from the unbelievably non existent inner and outer demons that are around me... one secret about me, whenever i am the most loudest and happiest taht's my lowest and depressing moment... i choose to laugh it off cos i am exhausted by the tears and i dun like being a burden to anyone...

I hate birthdays and i am turning 20... the big 2-0... the big reveal of my otherwise perfectly imperfect life... my depressing black hole of oblivion and pain and filth... i hate birthdays... they just remind me my degree of pathethic-ness and my loneliness... and inform me if it has decreased or increased in the past year... my perfect idea of my birthday will probably never happen... but then again, nothing i want happens... you know what would be nice though? if someone cd just tell me on my birthday that i mean something to them... that would be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me... that wd make my day... atleast that day...

Random Thoughts on a Sunday evening

2005-01-16T02:13:00.000-08:00

I think i am going to be the cause of my own demise
Reason:I never tell my worries and my problems, i just bottle them up and cry...

I think i will probably make a good newscaster
Reason: I was told in TV jrn that i am quite a good newsreader and that my reading seems very trusting ... My first compliment of the year... yay...
I think i might tell my crush i like him, NOT!!!
Reason: I am a first class wimp, wuss... call me whatever... i admit it i am such a coward...

I don't like to eat rice anymore...
Reason: Dun have one... just dun like it

I still love Maroon 5's Sunday Morning
Reason: Why the hell shd i give a reason for everything?

I am craving for a root beer float and i think i will make myself one now...
Reason: I miss A&W!!! Somehow Mcdonalds Twister Fries dun seem to be the same as curly fries...

I want someone to serenade me
Reason: For obvious reasons

Last but not least, Reason for this weird-ass entry: Period!!!aaaaaargh...
I have to do IS later... dammit...Just finished IMC though... that's a relief...

Troubles troubling me

2005-01-13T05:12:00.000-08:00

I am the forgotton soul that thrives in the shadows of others... no name, no joy, pain seems to be my only comfort and my only confidante.

I like words, they rush around me and wash my troubles away, they comfort me and kind of cuddle me, stroke my hair and tell me everything will be alright... most of the time atleast...i am a troubled fool with too many troubles to say... the funny thing is the three of us nearly got into a little arguement that day, (three of us meaning karol, me and amelia) about who had the bigger problems in the world and after a few minutes of arguing our silence pretty much answered the question... i don't think there is a defined problem, everyone has problems some jsut seem to take it as a part of life...others would rather take their life...

if i was to kill myself everytime i had a family problem or any problem for that matter, i think i would have been dead a thousand times over... is it my strength or my burning desire to live my life the way i want it for once... i mean can i live my life the way i want for one moment, just one moment please? after that i will die a willing death, satisfied and monotonous and by myself... '

Karol said something yesterday, she said well u whine about being single too... and then was when i realised i do whine but another thing brought to my attention was that i dun mean too... i just do it.. i don't think that its one of my main priorities in life but i think it still stays at the back of my mind reminding me i should not forget about it... well i wont... i promise... just don't forget me , though...

Forget she will never do but,
Forgotten is what she is

SCREW YOU

2005-01-09T06:27:00.000-08:00

You know wat? i am sick... i really am but i am also sick of people commenting on everything i do, wear and look like... i am fucking tired of it... yes, i have big boobs, so? its not fake... so u have a fucking problem with it? is it mine?nope its your problem so deal with it... dun fucking embarrass me in front of everyone... its disgusting? too bad... i like my boobs and its mine...why does that pose as a problem to u? If my mere existance is a bother to you then i am afraid there is nothing much i can do about it...

why is it that u guys can't seem to get on with life without passing painful and sarcastic comments about me? u know wat... that's the last straw.. i am not going to take shit from any of you again... why don't u just give me a gun so i can shoot myself,now is that funny?
somehow no one seems to be laughing... so stop the crap and get on with ur fucking life so i can get along wit mine... and if u r not happy with yours then screw urself ... just leave me out of it...

You

2005-01-07T04:42:00.000-08:00

i was talking to my bus buddy ravi and telling him about my crush... and i turned all "proverbial"on him...

i dedicate this to my muse, my crush...

You calm me down
and take away my frown

You are everything and more
that i always wished for

You are the soul of my songs
and the right of all my wrongs

You make me strong and take away my pain
again and again

durga
*(pls don't steal my intellectual property, it's the only thing i have other than my stunning beauty)

Nothing new has happened in my otherwise usual, mundane, routine life. I think i might cut my hair tom, just to stir things up... maybe really short or most probably leave it the way it is... Everything around me seems to change except me... Maybe i am not accustomed to change and don't appreciate or i am just comfortable the way i am... i like the comfort reason better...

An ode to death:

2005-01-03T06:07:00.000-08:00

A painful consequence with
a peaceful ending
that brings about a new beginning

Amidst the silence the groans,
can be heard
of a forgotten soul and a forgotten world

Among the weeds and
the rustling leaves on the tree
lingers a sadness wanting to be free

A day at bidadari cemetery
My muse: Tranquility and Tombstones

Unpredictability

2005-01-03T05:20:00.000-08:00

Life is so unpredictable and well death as well... i was under the weather yesterday and spent my entire day in front of the tv... i was watching this really bad Tamil variety programme called "Super Nanbargal" actually meaning super friends... a bunch of idiots make a fool of themselves and try to win the cash prize of ten thousand dollars... and they have judges to judge which idiot is like the best... anyway the thing is that the head judge for the competition was Uthuman Ghani, my favourite host... he is this really humble man who speaks the most perfect Tamil... the show finished at 8.30pm and at 10.30pm i got this msg saying the judge died... of course i thought some idiot was playing a joke on me... but he was really dead... he died of a heart attack at around 9pm on the way to the hospital... after he received his token of appreciation, he collapsed in the studio... He was only 47... May his soul rest in peace...

If you ask me what my biggest fear is i would probably say death,. not mine but those around me... i don't think i am ready for anything of that sort to happen... i would be a wreck, a total wreck... I would be like a paranoid, depressed psychopath waiting for my turn(hmmm.. that already describes what i am now)
e
The year 2005 has begun with many deaths... The helpless victims from the tsunami, the carefree younsters in Buenos Aires who died in the nightclub blaze, the American soldiers(who were driven to war by the stupidity of their president) who died in Iraq, and now the pioneer of local tamil programmes, Uthuman Ghani... i hope the rest of the year does not insist on claiming other innocent lives... i feel so grateful to be alive, and somehow my problems seem trivial compared to everything else... i think it's time to live life, i might be dead tomorrow and somehow that does not seem far out... i had an asthma attack in bus 74 and people were looking at me funny(please take note i do not use an inhaler and the last time i had an attack was like 4 or 5 years ago and i was thinking, shit of all places i was going to die in bus 74) somehow, it stopped and i was damn exhausted... i can't think of anything else to say or write... so i m stopping here...

Chow 2004

2004-12-30T23:42:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of 2004... boy has it been interesting... the highlights all well nothing much happens to me anyway, so here are the significant things that happened in my life:

I worked in Spectraa Productions for Pullivaal
My name appeared on TV!!!(my buck teeth, trying to poser amelia's best fren face)
I made some really good frens from the productions
I worked for filmMagik for TVC ads and Thodarum
I earned $1220 during the holidays(but i have no idea where the money went)
I learnt who were my real frens...
I broke of a 13 yr relationship(with a fren, of course)
Oh, and there are people who actually have crushes on me..haha(i always thought it was vice versa)
I appeared on TV as an extra...(what's new?)
I Passed Print!!! (What a surprise?)

Well, that's about it... and tonight i am going to have as much fun as i possibly could... I met Elmy and i was telling him about my plans and he suggested i lose my virginity tonight... Excuse me, i haven't found the one yet... i want to lose it to someone rich and famous... i mean if that's not asking for too much... Anyway, i am pretty accustomed to my chastity and virginity and i like being healthy... and further more condoms dun seem to be working these days, and with the looming AIDS epidemic i think i am happy being a single virgin... Well my frens, this is the last entry for the year 2004, i will see you all next year 2005 actually tom...

Live life to the fullest people and give a thought for the people who died in the Tsunamis, wont you? i know we have our own problems but sometimes we should give a short prayer to those who need it the most...My prayers are with them and of course, you... well, love you all and thinking of you guys all the time... Okie guys party all night, and i will see you all on monday!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR and have fun!!!

Sunday morning

2004-12-26T01:39:00.000-08:00

Every sunday seems the same these days... It's a routine, i wake up at eleven to the loud singing of people in sun tv. i place myself in the same spot on the same couch and wait for my milo... and the inevitable naggings that comes along with my drink.... i stay put at the couch until 12 when i decide to lie down in front of the tv for my weekly dose of some CSI in my otherwise crimeless, mundane life... And while watching the telly, the smells of my mum's perfectly made curry and my dad smoking outside the house makes its entrance... to which i react "i can smell, the smoke is killing me" (somehow an over exaggerated version is always put on display for my dad complete with the throat clutching and croaking noises) and he replies sorry and moves away.... after lazing in front of the telly and filling my mind with mindless filth and media propoganda i have lunch and then retire to my room so my parents can watch tv... and then i have a short nap, surf the net and well watch tv again... somehow the typical sunday morning doesnt seem to entice me anymore.... i think i need change in my life or maybe i am just too afraid to do so...

Listening to : Must get out - Maroon 5 (how appropriate)

The masquerade

2004-12-23T06:52:00.000-08:00

School is in its third week and a compelling sense of pressure, pain and lethargy has seeped in... I will be starting my radio show from Monday, and I am kinda depressed cos i am kinda doing it alone... and well, i am not very confident by myself... But i suppose its a challenge and I will take the bull by the horns... I just hope everything goes right... I dun have much to say. Just that I think I am in denial.... I try or well am happy so that I can avoid the inevitable sorrow that always seems to surround me... I think Sherman or was it Isaac who asked me how I could like be happy all the time and have a huge smile on my face... I dun really have a choice... I just read Amelia's blog and realised one thing, the people who seem to be laughing all the time are the ones with the saddest stories or well just plain sorrow... it's like we use the laughter as a mask to hide the pain we are suffering from...or as a shield to protect from unwanted judgements... well, that's the way it is... i suppose...

Weasley is married?

2004-12-21T01:16:00.000-08:00

You are Kaitlyn Weasley. You're spunky, you're
mischievous, you're passionate and willful to a
fault. No one can intimidate you, not even the
person who everyone assumes is the most
superior person in the entire of Hogwarts. Your
only weakness is falling in love. Your heart
belongs to the least likely candidate the son
of Draco Malfoy, Dameon.

Which Original Harry Potter Character Are You?
brought to you by There are some really free people making tests and stories about Harry potter and equally free people (Not me!!!) who encourage them by taking the tests.

Decisions made, life is done.

2004-12-20T23:11:00.000-08:00

We went to athar yesterday, me, amelia and ravi... we ate alot and sat there talking and griping about life. or at least we were making fun of it... i am sitting here on a tuesday afternoon, thinking to myself... Where do I go from here? i mean after the diploma and all, where do i go?
i might have a job in India but is that what i really want to do? after the bake sale and many many episodes of Oprah and documentries, i think i wanna help people, especially the ones in Africa and India and other third world countries... i related the idea to my mum and she threw a fit saying that it was really dumb... but is it? i think i should do something... i can't change the world and i am no mother theresa but i can change some lives and i intend to do so... Life is so short, and i might drop dead anytime... and i can't keep on harping on my crush and my unfulfilled life... i am moving on, this time i am doing it for real... No questions asked... i wanted to be loved but i realised if i can't be loved at least i can love... and that's good enough for me... i mean everyone is interested in their own lives and earning material comforts, at one point of time i was to...actually to be honest i still am, i need to save up and earn enough money for my parents to live on while i try to change other people's lives... that is my responsibility and i have to do it... so here I am making a decision, no I made a decision... Anyone would like to join me on my mission to change some lives? if you want to, then email me at vish_18 @hotmail.com

it's really weird how a lonely hot afternoon can make your important life decisions for you in such a short time... well, but it's helpful and i just know i have plenty of lonely hot afternoons to make more decisions... Charity and helping others is my form of escapism from my otherwise friendless and loveless black hole of depression that is unfortunately known to me as life...

chasing the blues away...

2004-12-17T22:30:00.000-08:00

Listening to Maroon 5, Sunday Morning again (Count: 45 times of now)

i seriously like this song and with my bloody period, (i mean literally) it kinda calms me down and puts me into a kind of chirpy mood... yesterday was nice, i mean it was like the old gang decided to get together with the exception of jeremy(who was never in our gang to begin with). Jon's mum laid out a feast for us and we, the gluttons helped ourselves and shamelessly brought home food as well... jon's mum can really, i mean really cook... the food was really good and it was fun with the exclusion of the silent and awkward moments that some of the people had...

Romance is a fickle thing or atleast to me and karol... hahah...we were sitting down at the atrium, something we hadnt done for the longest time and karol commented how she was the female version of male bastard... i mean somehow, i feel the same way to... i mean not that i go after guys and make them like me and then i drop them... i don't do that but the guys that come after me, well i kinda think they are boring ... but the truth is some really are... i mean i fall asleep when some just start to talk to me...

i think it's because i am looking for someone, well just as himself but not in its boring form... i need someone who makes me laugh and makes me think... makes fun of me and then tries to apologise when i get angry... someone who would hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be alright...and someone to keep me company on those days i dun want anyone else to be around...someone who will eat pasta with me whenever i want to... someone who i can hold on to when i am watching a horror film... someone who will constantly reassure me with a kiss on top of my head... someone who will make stupid attempts to cheer me when i am depressed..someone who will tell me i look great, even when i look not so great...someone who will tell me the truth... but most of all i need someone who tells me he loves me the way i am... i am not looking for the perfect guy, i am just looking for the guy with a little less imperfections... Somehow, i cant find him and if i can't then i hope he finds me, like really soon.... cos i think i need him more than i will ever know...

Painfully Friend-Less

2004-12-16T03:22:00.000-08:00

it happened on tuesday, the incident brought about many things to light. my perspective has changed and somehow after the hours of sobbing, i realised that i don't deserve the pain and i don't think that friends who don't need me deserve me. i might be alittle hasty in my decision but... well but there is nothing else to say. it hurts me that a 6 year or even 13 year friendship has no place when it comes to a 3 month or 9 month romance. i think the number of years doesn't matter on bit and that hurts a whole lot... Call me childish, immature and self centred if u must but i treat everyone of my friends the same. i don't show my anger, i support however stupid the idea may be and regardless of what anyone else says about them, i stand there and i fight for them. but somehow, my friends don't seem to be doing that and that hurts as well... But you know what? i think i will get over it, just like i have gotten over everything that i have so far. School has begun and with it the agony of being friend less... and as karol puts it "you still got me and cacat." Although that is a little comforting, i can't help but think of the numerous times i have been a punching bag for those with mood swings. i wonder why i can't get angry and well have a little pride in myself and discourage these things. but instead i choose to try to console them and go back yet again... it's just me, isnt it? Anyway, thanks for listening to my painful story karol and for never failing to amuse me amelia. you are appreciated. Anyways, if someone can distrust a friend of so many years for some unknown face then i think i can sever the ties of a long friendship for the sake of not getting hurt anymore. i don't matter anymore, but atleast to me, i do. I mean i should, because in the end i don't have anyone else but Me, Myself and I(I know this reminds you of a Beyonce song but i didnt mean to make it sound so commercialised). But one thing is for sure, i am not ungrateful. i will never forget those who have helped me at the same time i will never ever forget those who have wronged me. i mean i have forgiven but i ahve not forgotten. sometimes i think it's easier to forget than forgive but i chose the former and i have to live with the painful consequences taht will haunt me everytime i see that person. i know i have issues, i think i have learnt how to live with it now...

Goodbye for now, working life. Hallo School.

2004-11-29T01:41:00.000-08:00

Looking down and walking has become routine these days. i think i am afraid that if i look up i will see the deadly eyes of loneliness staring right through me...

On a brighter note, tom is my last day at work!!!! Woo hoo(Seeing fireworks) yay... i have at last finished my duty...and i have five days break before i start school again!!! yay!!! i hope i get the modules i want.

I don't feel like writing anything, except that i will pray for you jon... So don't worry k? Love you...

I am thinking of how i can spend my five day holiday, i mean how pathetic does taht sound?well its better than nothing. i hope my boss pays me. Anyway, i think i am a really good producer, i mean taht's what everyone is telling me... i am so proud of myself(saying this with my buck tooth face and peace sign)

Well nothin more to say, i just feel like sleeping....

the saga continues...

2004-11-25T19:02:00.000-08:00

i am sitting here in the office in front of my computer and yet i can't bring myself to work... i am just tired of working... i mean i really am... sometimes i think to myself, why do i really work so hard? the key reason seems to be the monetary factor but more importantly i think i do it cos its satisfying...wat a loser?i mean seriously, i think i am kinda warped cos i really like working this hard, it gives me a sense of belonging to the job at hand, something i dun think i was able to get from anywhere or just anyone...

School is starting, i mean that really sucks. i cant get used to going to school on Christmas eve.. that's just legally wrong... it's really dumb and i just realised that these holidays, well have not exactly been holidays. i started work before the exams and here i am still working...i dun think i am very happy about it... i just want to run away from it all, and kind of retire into the deepest and cosiest place on earth where there is no one to boss you around or tell you what to do. A place where i can choose what i want to see in the sky, choose what i want to watch on tv, and eat whatever i want without the fear of dying of obesity or cholestrol. And all this with someone like Adam Brody to cuddle with... yeah, that's what i really need, the Adam Brody part... i read jon's blog and he was saying how he needed a boyfriend and you know what, i think i want one to... someone who is exactly like Seth Cowen from the OC..

Geeky, dorky, funny and so real... i want that and i want it now... Right now...

De-pression of De soul...

2004-11-24T21:33:00.000-08:00

I am still working... i am kinda working my life away...i mean that's the feedback i get from peers... it's been a long time since i had a new post and i thought that today's events were appropriate for reporting... i had a nice lunch with JinFei at the old Anandabhavan and the meal had a calming effect on me for some unknown reason... maybe it was the rustic look, the familiar meal or teh really loud ceiling fans but something about it that gave me a sense of tranquility taht i have not experienced for a long time... Lately, Depression has been a common occurrence in my otherwise miserable life... feelings of loneliness and neglect is all that i seem to have and joy but a distant memory... i think i owe the loneliness and neglect emotions to the fact that i dun have a companion... but the thing is i never really wanted one, until now... i am kinda succumbing to peer pressure... or the lack of it... But it is it wrong? i mean don't all of us wish to be held by a total stranger sometimes and be told that everything was going to be fine, even if that moment lasted for one second, i mean won't we, i mean won't i be satisfied? i think i will. i have never really asked for anything, and i probably never will... I know this sounds cheesey and probably will never happen , but i really wish that a someone i don't know and who knows nothing about me will fall in love with me for me just being me and nothing but me... cos i am me and there's nothing i can do about it, and i seriously don't intend to change anything about myself, because i don't see a reason why i should...

Amelia and Karin and Amelia's friend Reema and i went to watch this play by the Singapore Repertory Theatre, Immaculate Misconception the other day and i kinda enjoyed it... i mean despite the fact that i despise Beatrice Chia who i think literally acts...but it was rather entertaining and kind of thought provoking in a really odd way... i don't intend to tell you the details of the play, therefore you should go watch it yourself... i can't think of anything else so i am going to retire into the black hole of depression and misery commonly known as life to others...

work away the blues

2004-11-02T01:15:00.000-08:00

i am at office yet again... i found out something, actually just realised it... my life is really boring... i mean there is nuthin much goin on it and i pretty much live day by day...i find it hard to believe that i have succumbed to boredom... yesterday was arch's birthday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARCH!!!anyway coming back to my boring life, i permed my hair... now i think i kinda look like an African Sadako... hmmm...maybe i can get martin's cute fren now...hahahah... notice how i have nuthin to write about? oh no... i am living a nightmare, well kind of, i have got nuthin to write about which is kinda equivalent of nuthin to talk about... and i will kinda die if i cant talk...NNOOOOO... aiyah, i probably will find something to talk about, i hope... i mean how can i deprive this earth of my beautiful voice and my intellectual capability(i sense many violent protests) so yeah, i will end of here...cos the intellect has to hide this from her boss...hahhaa..
The intellect has left the BLOG...

~Workaholic at Work~

2004-10-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

i think life itself is such a difficult theory to comprehend. i mean really, i dunno why i kinda become so philosophical sometimes but i do...i am sitting here in the office trying to do work and i suddenly had this urge to type my life story...well i am sure i wont be able to do that, cos then i wont have a job... but so far these months have been hectic, i mean really hectic and my legs are swollen, first it was my throat now my legs... i think this job is tough but i kinda like it...or at least i think i like it. it's a little scary working here, i mean i love the people here, they are quite nice and sincere but i heard so many horror stories taht i am a little skeptical about everything then again as my little cousin, vivek calls me , i am MS Paranoid... deepavali is just around the corner, and the thing is i havent done anything at all... nothin... yest went to tailor a sari but othe then taht...well it has been quite some time since i updated my blog...and teh thing is i feel obligated to tell u what has happened so far in my life. my fren sashi and my fren kanna got hooked up...hahah...sashi is going to kill me if she sees this but the thing is they are made for each other like each other...hahah.. and who said movies arent real?hahah...i mean their story is exactly an 80s tamil movie...seriously, although they will beg to differ... i am so happy for them, i think its damn sweet... on the other hand, i fell a little depressed but i think i need time to heal my wounds... anyway i am pretty much settled with being a bachelorette... i would say i am pretty intutive so i can feel it taht i would stay single all my life... therefore, karol and i have planned to go visit amelia's dysfunctional family with (eh-eh-eh), you know who amelia...anyway its time to go back to work... just found out we left something at the location yesterdae...dammit...we have to go collect it now... i dun seem to be bale to write anything interestin these days, i think its a sign, pretty much telling me that life has become mundane... so what should i do to un-mundane it? Give me a call at 1800- my -life -is -boring NOW... first 5 callers get, well ummm..me? i mean some time with me... yeah... got to go...cos my boss doesnt like me doing other stuff during work time...dun blame him though...
most bosses do that... okie i hope i will update these soon like maybe in another 1000 lightyears...

the Unknown

2004-09-20T01:30:00.000-07:00

i am sitting here thinking how the hell am i going to finish all my impending tasks within the given time and yet there is no light bulb above my head... it's annoying and yet exhilarating, when u think of the numerous things you have to do... fine...call me a nut... it's been a lo0ng time since i updated my blog bcos of the comp and the problems in it... and the lack of time... well, i really don't knoe what to do or what to write... i m having a mental block, i can't seem to focus on anything, i currently am visualising myself standing in a tunnel with a train heading towards me... the thought of it is mildly depressing, isn't it? i think the depression was contributed by a recent book i read that i found amazingly good. LIFE AFTER GOD by Douglas Coupland... a book that expresses life in its simplest form. simple yet thought provoking, i think everyone should read it... god, i sound like a bloody critic, a third rate one like the ones featured in those women magazines... well, right now i have embarked on yet another book journey with MILAN KUNDERA... it has been a little rocky to begin with but hopefully it will end smoothly... all this typign has made me tired... i think i will stop for now...

the new beginning

2004-08-02T18:20:00.000-07:00

i am back in the world of cyber diaries... i really did miss the times i was able to talk about myself or atleast write about myself... Nothin has changed except the fact that i have fallen in love over and over again... with myself (yes i am un-modest) and with every one else around me... it's a wonderful experience, being in love that is but i think i'm weird cos as soon as i fall in love i fall out of it... i'm probably trying to protect myself from the impending hurt that i can sense... i mean doesnt everyone want to be loved and love someone? i was looking at my previous blog and i read something that i think should be reflected in this blog as well... cos amidst the flaws there is a perfect being living,breathing and longing to be loved. isnt that beautiful? (Do this in a mr Kon way) i heard mr kon is leaving in august to further his studies... that's cool, i think i will miss him... though i and he both know we werent close to begin with.

oh guess wat? today is the third of august, and it happens to be my mum's birthday!!! HAPPY BiRtHDay MoMMy!!! oh and coincidentally its Liz's birthday as well... HAppY b'dAy Liz!

i just worked actually i m kinda still working for this company, Spectraa Productions... its a Production hse that makes programmes in tamil for vasantham central. and yesterday i was glad to see my name on the credit list... i mean i know it wasnt different from the rest but its a first time for me and i relish the fact that i have my name on TV... hahah... as mundane as it may seem, the production company also gave me an insight on the lives of celebs... not big time celebs but just normal people making a living from the media. i enjoyed the experience....

And In campus news, i am taking print journ, acting and directing & scriptwriting.. others might say its a slack semester but i on the other hand think it is as difficult as any other... in scriptwritin ms persson made me read out my first assignment, she said "it was good" in her ever so weird swedish accent, dont get me wrong i love my swedish meatbalss and the people but their accent is just out of the world in some really warped way i think... Nothing else to say though, that the work is piling up and i still havent sensed it...

HELP MYSELF? i suppose so...